Let’s pretend I’ve been blogging this whole time. That I didn’t get all insecure about putting myself out there and that I certainly did not crawl back into my fearful little shell as I’ve done a thousand times before (once again confirming that my patronus is probably a turtle).
I like to think of myself as a bold and brave woman, with confidence and sass. And sometimes I am. But mostly I let my own mind get the better of me and I need a Valium (and a drink) just to feel like a real person. In the past I have always resorted to shocking myself out of my shell by doing something I genuinely fear, doing something that requires some bravery. I have gotten MANY painful piercings, a few spontaneous tattoos, and tried out various radical hairstyle changes – always in an attempt to prove to myself that I am, in fact, strong and beautiful and worthwhile. That I can do crazy things and just enjoy myself without second-guessing every move.
One of the reasons I started this blog in the first place was to have a creative outlet for myself. Something that would encourage me to explore and write and photograph and experience and share my little life with others. All of these things are still true and still necessary, but the biggest reason I am going to attempt this blogging thing again is that I desperately want to feel like I’m part of a community, that I’m not alone and that I belong. Particularly since moving to Port Elizabeth. And perhaps blogging, and being brutally honest about my emotional ups and downs, is the bravest thing I can do right now. Not piercings or tattoos or haircuts (though there are definitely a few of those in the near future).
I’m not sure if I’ll share the link to this post with anyone or put it out on any of my social media channels. Shit, I might even get too insecure and take it down tomorrow. But I’ll try to be bold – because that’s who I really am. Yes, I’m flawed, fickle and fearful – but I am here, and maybe this blog will help me finally fucking enjoy it.
Wish me luck.